tara yosi!

Today marks the 3rd year of me smoking. I never smoked before. I was even one of those who campaign against smoking due to its health hazards. I never understood before why people smoke. Some said, it's one way for them to release their anxiety and tension. Some said, it somehow just became their habit. I never accepted these reasons before as valid excuses to light a cigarette.

I smoke when I'm stressed out. I smoke when I'm nervous. I smoke when I just finished eating my meal. I smoke when I'm drinking alcohol. But most of the time, I smoke when I feel alone, when I feel betrayed, when I'm angry, when I'm anxious, when I'm jealous, when I'm depressed. Cigarettes become one of my outlets for these. Those moments when no one's there to listen or when I am hesitant to tell someone what I really feel, a stick of nicotine becomes a best friend.

Now I understand why people smoke. It's something you can always depend on. A friend that's always there. 

matters of the heart

My mind is full of questions. How far could someone go in loving a person? Or shall I say, the right question is "How far SHOULD someone go in loving a person?" When do you stop? Should you endure the pain 'til you get numb? Or should you flee when it hurts too much? Should you show that you're affected? Or should you just act like nothing's happening? Why is it that even though it hurts, someone still continues to be stupid and to hope that everything will turn out the way he/she wants it to be, when really there's no hope at all?

Matters of the heart. I remember the song I heard earlier this morning being played in a cab I rode on my way to the office. It struck me when I listened to the lyrics. It gave me some answers to my own dilemma. It goes, "there's no such thing as mind over matters of the heart." Perhaps. We can always tell ourselves it's over. Done. It's already past. We have moved on. And we want a brand new start, a brand new life. But that isn't easy. It takes time. It can't be done overnight. No matter how we convince ourselves, the truth is, it's still there. And only God knows when we'll stop hurting.

(//_-)

That feeling when you want to share something but no one's there to listen. It's a terrible feeling. I just felt it right now. This is one of the days when I get emotionally down and all the shit that happened in the past months comes back to memories.

I wish memories are just text files in the computer that I could easily delete from the hard disk. When you feel that it's not anymore needed, all you need to do is highlight file, press delete, go to the recycle bin, then empty recycle bin. I just wish that's how simple it is. But it's not. Just when you thought you have completely moved on, everything flashes back.

I guess, I haven't really moved on. Probably I still love her. Perhaps, I was just convincing myself that I have moved on. I don't know. What I know is, I have to go through this. So I don't have to look back someday. And I need a clean reinstall of my operating system.